What's this, then?
On the face of it, the X6M is a texting elephant.
Eh?
If the good lord had meant pachyderms to compose SMSs, he'd have given them opposable thumbs. And if 2.3-tonne SUVs were meant to attack racetracks...
...they wouldn't be 2.3-tonne SUVs?
Quite. They'd be a whole lot lighter and lower. If you were making a BMW M-car, would you start from an X6?
No. So it's a disaster as a fast car?
Oh no. Not in a straight line anyway. The M department has thoroughly revised the X6's twin-turbo V8 so it now makes a staggering 575bhp and 553lb ft of torque. It's got colossal grunt low down in the rev range, spins to 7000 and never really shows lag.
Even when it's burdened down by all that tonnage, the V8 gives an amazing account of itself. It swats the X6M to 62mph in just 4.2 seconds, a time admittedly flattered because it doesn't faff around spinning its wheels. Yet the X6M's real party trick isn't its acceleration at low speeds. It's the way it just steams onward into three-figure velocity.
All the engine needs is a more charismatic noise. It lacks either true V8 burble or an M-specific high-end bark. The new AMG V8 can teach it things in that regard.
But, y'know... corners?
In measurable terms, it's amazing. It can pelt round at thoroughly improbable speeds, hardly leaning, keeping control of pitch and heave, and then catapult away thanks to that brutal engine and near-unbreakable AWD traction.
The X6M boasts an active anti-roll system, clever torque-vectoring diffs, adaptive dampers, huge bespoke tyres, vast six-piston brakes and all sorts of other technologies aimed at bolstering the Newton-defying craziness of it all.
But is it any fun?
It's far from no fun. It can't be no fun given its speed and grip and capability. And in some way the X6M is willing to join you in some games. Part-way through a bend, you can usefully tighten or loosen the line with throttle. But this means going at track speeds - and, yes, I was on a track.
Out of tight hairpins with the DSC off it'll actually oversteer. But the steering and brakes have a fuzzy character: there isn't the sharpness of a properly sporty car. Not even of a Cayenne Turbo, I fancy, though I'd have to drive them back-to-back to be sure.
Also, because of the huge weight, you have to drive the X6M in a particular way, turning gently into corners to avoid cumbersome understeer. Again, though, this is at track speed. Out on the road, you'll always be driving so far beneath the big BMW's limits that you won't ever form an intimate relationship with it.
And now you're going to point out that all this track-readiness has ruined it as an SUV?
Not quite. OK, the tyres will be shredded by off-roading and they're probably too wide to be grippy in real snow. And they make a lot of noise at motorway speed.
But amazingly some shred of comfort survives when you venture out onto real roads in real traffic. The ride, when you soften off the dampers, isn't at all harsh. You sit in regal splendour in your luxurious throne, high above the world.
Things aren't so great for anyone in the back, underneath the tapering rear roof, but the boot's big. And if you want a more conventional SUV package, there's always the dynamically identical X5M. Which happens to be £2900 cheaper. Probably not a significant margin when both are the wrong side of £90k.
Still, BMW delights in pointing out that with the revised engine and two more speeds in the autobox, these cars are 20 percent more efficient than last year's, at 25.4mpg in the official cycle.
How can we get so far and not mention the looks?
Because this thing is just so polarising that you will already have your opinion, and reading mine won't alter it. For what it's worth, I think it's unspeakably vulgar and plain hideous.
Compared with last year's X6, the new car's sheet-metal has more deep creases and feature lines, thereby tackling the desperately difficult task of making it look smaller. But they just make it even uglier.
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